How to Build Confidence?

Words are “living organisms” – they not only have a profound effect on others, but are also shapers of our confidence image. What we say does matter, of course, but how we say it is of no less importance.

When do you usually sit at big events? Do you rush to take a seat in the first row or do you rather go in the back?

The way we form our self-image is via a complex mix of perceptions, beliefs and observations. Even though it’s predisposed to skewness, it is an integral part of our characters—in fact, to us, it defines who we believe we are.

My bet is the latter, just like many other people do. the reason for it is that we don’t want attention on us. We’d rather hide in the back, so we don’t risk being pulled on stage or asked a question.

The myth of the romance literature—that we can find our Christian Grey— by being highly unaware of, or uncertain of our looks and smarts, appears to be rather appealing to many, despite its apparent irrationality. We want to believe in the “life-can-imitate-fiction” idea so much, that we often fail to identify such starry-eyed fantasies as a possible source of dissatisfaction with our own lives.

But let me ask you something. Who usually sits in the first row of all official company meetings? Who sits in the first row of fashion shows? The most important people.

By sitting in a first row you’re putting yourself among these people. You give others the signal that you are one of the most important people and so they treat you accordingly. You’ll notice also, that you will start behaving like one.

The idea that Prince Charming will fall madly for us one day—just the way we are—also implies the notion that we don’t have to strive for a personal change or development—we just have to be “lucky” to be in the right place, and let the magic happen. Another flawed notion, and quite the anti-embodiment of personal growth.

You are  putting yourself outside of your comfort zone – in the spotlight. The attention is on you, the light is on you.

“Color Psychology,” or the sub-conscious effect colors have on people, is a real phenomenon, which can influence how others perceive us. For instance, shades of blue, black and red are linked to confidence

Once you have built a stream of successes that make you feel good about yourself, you can then move on to harder goals. Make sure that you also keep a list of all your achievements, both large and small, to remind yourself of the times that you have done well.

It’s not as easy as the self-help gurus prescribe—to do one thing that scares us every day, and we will be fear-free and more confident. It may generally work, but we must be first prepared to lose and lose again; to be criticized; to be unsatisfied with how we handled things.

You have no other choice but to feel confident. Once put in a situation where there are no alternatives, it’s crazy how fast we adapt.

Mindfulness meditation, apart from its apparent benefits for our mental health, is also a great way to boost our self-awareness and esteem. It helps to reign in our anxieties and fears, makes us more open to new experiences, and brings us the much-coveted self-acceptance. It also quiets our minds and self-doubts—thus, removes our self-inflicted impediments to progress and improvement.

Instead of focusing only on “to-do" lists, I like to spend time reflecting on “did-it" lists. Reflecting on the major milestones, projects and goals you’ve achieved is a great way to reinforce confidence in your skills.

Confident people have a different body language. They walk tall. They keep their head up. They look into the eyes of others. They also keep their body open.

Regular self-assessments and taking stock of our progress are essential tools for feeling more in control and confident we are advancing, improving, developing, and becoming better drafts of ourselves.

Shutting off our emotions is not necessarily going to make us more self-assured. It’s true that confidence is inversely linked to anxiety, to shyness and to sensitivity, but when seeking respect and acceptance, we shouldn’t only approach others from a position of authority, but also—by building trust, care, compassion.

Helping someone else often enables us to forget about ourselves and to feel grateful for what we have. It also feels good when you are able to make a difference for someone else.

Whenever we feel bad about ourselves, we feel down or hurt, we tend to close down.

Emotional intelligence, or ability to recognize and manage our own emotions, as well as those of other people, has been proven to have a powerful link to self-esteem (in the neighbourhood of 45%).

A prestigious education and wealth may have some uplifting effects on one’s confidence, but they are not the originators of our self-esteem, nor can they be a sustainable source. Success and achievements are generally the product of our character strengths and belief in ourselves, and not the other way around.

And not just emotionally but physically too. We try to become as small as positive, so people don’t notice us. We curl up, so we limit the surface of exposure.

Instead of focusing on your own weaknesses, volunteer to mentor, practically assist or teach another, and you'll see your self-confidence grow automatically in the process.

Enhancing this aptitude is an effortful but barely peripheral undertaking to our future. (Reference: Daniel Coleman is the “father” of emotional intelligence, and his research provides great insight into how everyone can acquire it).